Pace.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xcw-7fgyg2o

Doar ascultand melodia asta si inchizand ochii…

Simt cum calatoresc, lent, intr-un autocar vechi, pe scaunul de la geam, spre acel loc spre care ma chinui sa ajung de atat de mult timp, dar spre care n-am stiut drumul nicicand. Simt cum las in urma poate prea multe, prea tarziu. Privesc pe geam, sprijinita intr-un cot. Imi place sa privesc, mereu si mereu aceleasi imagini, ca intr-un carrousel. Si totusi ma fascineaza sa ma pierd in ganduri privind pe geam drumuri pe care nu sunt sigura ca le vad. Imi pare rau, nu-mi pare rau ca plec, imi pare rau ca ma indepartez. Imi ascund fata in esarfa mare de la gat si doar ochii mai sunt martorii plecarii mele. Inchid ochii si stiu ca sunt singura pe drum, din nou, dar asta nu ma intristeaza. Drumul nu ma mai infricoseaza. Am plecat de prea multe ori, acum plec impacata. Sufletul meu e linistit. Cu ochii inchisi patrund pana in suflet si aud sunetul pustietatii. E semn ca am reusit sa desprind toate unghiile care ma tineau in urma. Zambesc. Deschid ochii si simt gustul linistii. Rasuflu adanc impacarea. Ochii imi lacrimeaza, nu plang, sunt lacrimi care ma elibereaza. Zambesc si lacrimi mi se joaca pe obraz. Minunat sentiment al acceptarii, cat timp am asteptat sa-mi invadezi sufletul, sa-mi umpli pustiul. Acum, drumul nu pare deloc lung si simt ca sunt mai aproape ca oricand. Ma strang in brate si ma las purtata.

Poarta-ma pe unde sonore, canta-mi drumul, mereu si din nou.

Ma vei uita.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5HV0OD3Umbs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SJ_7nm7VXKA&feature=related

Tu.

Asa-mi vine sa plang pana cand din ochii mei nu mai poate curge nici o lacrima…

Inchid ochii si sper. Macar Tu trebuie sa fii alaturi de mine.

P.S.: M-am saturat sa se faca presupuneri despre ce scriu si mai ales sa mi se dea sfaruri despre ce ar trebui sa fac. Nu tot ce scriu e 100% adevarat si nu totul e despre mine. Si nu, nu toate posturile sunt despre iubire. Si chiar daca iti lasa impresia ca e despre tine, ca am scris despre tine, cel care citesti, de multe ori nu e asa.

Get out of that box!

Abigail

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2Ma4BvMUwU

Impatient, I walked to the door. I didn’t had to try hard to look upset, I had that look on my face since morning. I twisted the key in the door, one time, two times and it got opened.

There he was, standing still, not saying a word, my brother-in-law.  He was an average guy, not too tall, not too short. His body shape was too revealed by the suit he was wearing. I rarely got to see him dressed in his uniform but I didn’t stop to think why he was wearing it now. He was alone and he was keeping his hat in his hands. While we were looking at each other, not saying a thing, I could feel how his eyes were travelling thru my eyes until the very bottom of my heart, undressing it, leaving it naked. A strange feeling of shame passed thru my body from head to toe. I knew I had to say something but my lips just wouldn’t move. I guess it took me some time until I finally said, with a low voice, not taking my eyes away from him:

-         Gary… what brings you here?

Steven and his brother were close, but not too close. We used to go to his place now and then but the fact that Gary was still single at his 45 years old, was a barrier between us. Everybody in their family was feeling a bit strange while talking about Gary and I knew how much his parents tried to convince him to start his own family.Gary was rarely coming to visit us and he was always acting like he was in a hurry.

-         Can I come in please?

-         I’m sorry Gary. Please, come in.

We both walked to the living room, I was following him, but he knew the house so he seated on the couch. I sat down on the other couch in front of him. We were looking in each other eyes again, but what I felt earlier was gone long time ago. We both knew that this unanounced visit was unusual so I had to ask him:

-         Gary, did anything wrong happen?

By this time I was convinced that this question had hunted my whole day. He stopped looking at me, trying to understand the pattern on the carpet. He looked calm, very profound and somehow lost; he seemed to be another Gary, not the Gary I used to know. I have never seen him this confused.

-         Abbey, we had a call this evening.

He took a deep breath, stopped playing with his hat and rose in his feet.

-         I am sorry Abbey, Steven had an accident. He’s in the hospital but the doctors think he will not make it. I am sorry I have to be the one to tell you this. Believe me, it is not easy for me either. I mean, he was…

I lost him; my mind could not hear anything else but the words “he had an accident” repeated again and again and again. I was still looking at him through a big glass; I could see him but not hear a thing. I was watching him moving around in circles, using his hands to explain something, suddenly bursting to tears, than covering his face with his hands. All this was like a puppet theatre for me as I could not do anything. I was captive in my own body. As much as I wanted to move or say anything, I couldn’t. My body was weaker and weaker and things were moving around caught in a haotic dance.

-         Where am I? Please let me out! Please, I want to see my husband…

Everything was black, and I was falling hopelessly in an endless hole. I was scared and desperately looking for something to save myself. It seemed like infinity until I heard somebody crying my name in the dark. It seemed like the voice was coming to me as it sounded louder and louder:

-                 Abbey!       Abbey!   Abbey!

Abigail

I had a strange feeling of not belonging there. It was looking like my house. I knew for sure that it was my house and yet, something was not quite right, you could feel the air was different. I was feeling it even in my mouth, it was the bitter taste of revenge. Slowly I opened my eyes and struggled to look around. I slept for such a long time, I was almost sure it had to be light outside, but still it was not. My eyes adapted to the light in the room and the room seemed so empty. The clock indicated 7.00 am. It was strange, Steve was usually getting ready to go to work about this time but the house was so still. I was keeping quite in order to listen to him moving around the house. There was no sound of him. I woke up, walking slowly, without turning on the lights, like I was expecting to catch him with something. I don’t know why I did that but it seemed so logic at that time. I went down the stairs, through the living room, to the kitchen. I saw Steve sitting on a stool. He looked so sunken. He didn’t notice me. I tried for a moment to ask myself what could be wrong, what could determine him act this way, and I got with no answer.

-         For how long you’ve been seating there?

I wanted to go and kiss him like in any other morning, but I almost scared him with my presence so I kept my temper not to do it. He suddenly shook his head for a second and bitted his lip, then looked at me with a look that seemed from another world.

-         I just woke up. He answered briefly.

“No, you didn’t, I just woke up.” I wanted to say but instead I said:

-         Did anything wrong happen?

-         No Abigail. I…I was just thinking, I am late for work, I…have to go.

I stood there shocked. I silently watched him passing me. I felt a punch in my head when I heard him calling my name. He never called me Abigail, he was always spoiling me Abbey. Thousand and thousand thoughts caught in a hurricane passed through my brain. Not knowing what to say I just went after him asking:

-         Steve, don’t you want to eat anything?

-         I’m not hungry. I got to go.

-         But Steve… what is happening?

-         Nothing, I mean, nothing important, you just don’t worry. We’ll talk when I come back from work.

There was nothing left I could do. I was sitting in the doorstep, still in my pajamas, with my eyes large opened but my mind running far, far away. I was thinking now at the worst possibilities when a car engine brought me back. I saw Steve leaving with the same harsh look on his face.

All day I tried like crazy to understand. The feeling that I could not live one more second not knowing what is happening  invaded my whole body , making me want to call him. I didn’t called him through. I knew if I did this I was just going to make him angrier. It was very clear for me that I can not call him when he is at work. So I just made myself busy all day long, cleaning the house, doing laundry, watering flowers, even sweeping the leaves from the front porch.

Time was passing by slower than any other time. I sat on my belly on the couch from the living room decided to read. We used to read together before going to sleep almost every evening. As I had nothing better to do while waiting for Steve, and because I just wanted to take my mind away from him, I took Martha Long’s book in my hand and tried to get into the book. But the book was not helping me, the story of an awful childhood made me more depressed. I struggled to read till I saw the watch showing 5 p.m. I knew that around this time Steve would  come back from work. This thought made me anxious.

I waited and waited and waited, but Steve was not showing up and it was late in the night by now. He had his phone closed. I wanted to get out and look for him, but where to start from? And what if he gets home and I’m on the streets looking for him? And what if being alone in the streets somebody would harm me? No, I could not go anywhere. I had to wait.

My body was all cold and white, with a scared look printed on it by the time I got a message from him: “I have to work late. Don’t wait for me”. The moment I saw the message I got angry.

-         “I have to work late?”, that’s all? That’s all??

I was decided to wait for him in the dark until he comes back. I could hear the time passing by and only a few cars heading home would make some light in the room now and then. I was confused, not knowing what to think. It was now very late and I could feel my eyelids going down. I probably  felt asleep, cause I suddenly woke up when I heard a knock at the door. It was him. I fixed my hair, not knowing what else to do. I was ready to confront him. He had to give me an explication.

- to be continued -

Perfect de imperfecta

M-am trezit dimineata si stii ce-am simtit?

Nimic. Nici o pasiune, nici o scanteie, nici o speranta, absolut nimic. Obisnuiam sa am pofta pentru mancare, pentru viata si m-am trezit realizand ca pur si simplu a disparut. E ca si cand n-ar fi nimic…n-am puls.

Vreau sa simt din nou. Sa simt ca am pentru ce sa traiesc, sa simt ca nu traiesc doar pentru a putea spune ca am mai trait o ora, o zi, un an. Vreau sa ma bucur, vreau sa vreau…si totusi nu vreau nimic, n-am pofta de nimic, nu simt nimic, n-am nimic.

Ma prefac atat de bine. Nu, nu mi-e usor sa recunosc. Am incercat din rasputeri sa fug. Am fugit de locuri, de oameni, de amintiri, de mine..dar oricat am fugit n-am putut scapa de nimic. E ca si cum ai incerca cu disperare sa scapi de lanturile de la picioare ce te tin inchis. Si desi iti doresti atat de mult sa scapi, lanturile o sa te tina cu atat mai mult pe loc.

Lanturile mele sunt grele si ma strang. Sunt prea obosita si asta ma constrange sa ma privesc. Nu sunt ceea ce cred ca sunt sau vreau sa par. Nu sunt nimic din ceea ce as vreau sa fiu si nimic din ceea ce altii cred ca sunt. Sunt o statuie de lemn, frumos sculptata, frumos vopsita. O statuie in fata careia multi se opresc sa priveasca fara a sti ca e putrezita in interior.

Se spune ca daca te uiti cu atentie, poti gasi un defect la orice si stiu, nimeni nu e perfect, dar eu sunt atat de…deloc perfecta.

De multe ori ma surprind vorbind si facand lucruri pe care nu imi doresc sa le spun sau sa le fac. Ma privesc din afara ca o umbra ce se detaseaza de corp si vad, vad ca pot privi in ochi si spune ceea ce nu cred, ceea ce vrea celalalt sa auda, fara remuscari ulterioare. Pot minti cu zambetul pe buze si pot privi cu sinceritate, fara a fi catusi de putin sincera.

Ma inspaimant de multe ori, si poate c-ar trebui sau nu, dar in final, daca te uiti atent, poti gasi un defect la orice.

365 de zile. 8760 ore. 525600 de minute.

Am visat. Am sperat…Am luat decizii. Am gresit. Mi-a parut rau. Mi-a pasat. Nu mi-a pasat. M-am descoperit. M-am redescoperit. Am iubit. M-am inselat. Am iubit din nou. M-am inselat din nou. Am cautat. Am gasit. N-am gasit. Am zambit. Am fost trista. Am plans. Am stat in liniste.Am zambit din nou. Am vorbit. M-am certat. M-am impacat. Am invatat.  Am spus da. Am spus nu. Am fost plina de energie. Am fost obobita. M-am simtit frumoasa. Am castigat. Am si pierdut. Am fost sigura. N-am stiut ce sa fac. Am mintit. M-am mintit. Am deschis ochii. N-am vazut. Mi-a fost bine. A fost frumos. Am luat-o de la capat. Am fost singura. Am visat. Am sperat.

Am trait 2010. Incep sa mazgalesc paginile altei carti acum. Sper sa fie un 2011 cel putin la fel de plin de trairi si de emotii ca 2010.

Un 2011 asa cum va doriti!